What does contact look like in the first month?
Close, then gradually lighter. In the first two weeks, most intended parents and surrogates exchange messages daily or nearly daily. She is recovering from birth. You are learning to care for a newborn. Pumping, if you have agreed to it, is being set up. There is a lot to share.
Typical first-month contact:
- At the hospital, a visit with the baby, if she wants one. Most surrogates do. She carried the baby for you, and she does not expect a parental role.
- In the first two weeks, photos, a quick message about how the baby is feeding and sleeping, and a check on how her recovery is going.
- By the end of the month, a rhythm closer to what you agreed at match.
Agree the plan for the first month before delivery. Families who talk it through in the third trimester avoid the most common hurt: one side expecting daily contact while the other is trying to rest.
| Timeframe | Typical contact | Contractual obligations still active | PLS support |
|---|---|---|---|
| Hospital stay | Visit with the baby, if she wishes | Hospital care under her insurance | Case manager in touch with both families |
| First two weeks | Daily or near-daily messages | Final compensation installment; recovery support; lost wages during recovery | Case manager checks on her recovery |
| After the first two weeks, while she pumps | Weekly updates, photos | Pumping compensation of $200 per week, if agreed; lost wages during recovery | Case manager confirms payments run through escrow; lactation guidance from Julie Bendix |
| Months 2 to 12 | Updates at milestones and holidays | Usually none after recovery and pumping end | Available to either side |
| Beyond the first year | Birthdays and holidays; for some, a lifelong friendship | None | Sibling journey planning, if both wish |
What happens with pumping and breast milk?
If you would like breast milk for your baby, discuss it with her well before delivery. It is her choice. Pumping takes time and effort for weeks.
If she agrees, the agreement sets the terms. PLS surrogates receive pumping compensation of $200 per week. Confirm the pumping compensation rate in the current compensation schedule. You arrange and pay for supplies and shipping. Julie Bendix, MPH, RD, LD, CLC, a registered dietitian and lactation counselor, supports her through it.
When she decides to stop, she stops. Thank her, and switch to formula or donor milk as your pediatrician advises.
What is still owed to the surrogate after delivery?
Obligations that continue after birth are contractual, set in the gestational carrier agreement and paid from escrow.
- Her final compensation installment.
- Postpartum recovery support.
- Lost wages during recovery. Confirm the postpartum lost-wage terms in the current compensation schedule.
- Pumping compensation, if she pumps for you.
The independent escrow agent releases each payment under the agreement. PLS never holds client money. For the full package, see surrogate compensation.
How do relationships evolve over the first year?
Contact usually decreases over the first year, at a pace both sides are comfortable with. That is not a sign of anything going wrong. She is back to her own family's routine. You are deep in your baby's first year.
By the end of the year, most relationships have settled into a pattern: updates at milestones, birthday photos, a message at the holidays. Some relationships become lifelong friendships. Others settle into an annual photo. Both are normal.
One PLS surrogate described her friendship with the couple she carried for growing over the years after the birth. She still receives pictures and updates, and the family invited her to visit them in China. That is one outcome among many. See bringing your baby home.
What if the surrogate wants more or less contact than you do?
Talk about it directly and kindly, or ask your case manager to help.
If she wants more than you do, explain how your days look with a newborn and suggest a rhythm you can keep. A monthly photo you send reliably is better than weekly updates that stop.
If she wants less, respect it. She may be recovering, busy, or simply ready to close the chapter. Let her know you would love to hear from her whenever she wants.
The pattern you both described at match is the best guide. See communication expectations.
How do you talk to your child about their surrogate?
Early, simply and truthfully. Children who grow up knowing their story usually treat it as an ordinary fact about themselves.
- Start early, with a simple story that uses her first name: "A kind woman carried you in her tummy until you were ready to be born."
- Use photos. Pictures from the pregnancy and the hospital help a young child understand.
- Add detail as they grow: IVF, why you needed help, and who she is.
- Let your child lead. Answer what they ask, at their level.
If you stay in touch, your child may know her personally. If not, a few photos and her first name are enough to start.
What our former-surrogate case managers experienced
Both PLS case managers have been on the other side of this relationship.
Natalie Gaudio-Fricano delivered a boy for an international couple in October 2016, after the first transfer succeeded. His parents were in the delivery room. Jenni Symons delivered as a surrogate in 2019 and in 2021. Both keep contact with their intended parents.
They advise parents to agree the first month's plan before delivery. The rest follows from that: keep whatever promises you make about contact, and let the relationship find its own level.
If you and your surrogate hope to work together again, see a sibling journey. For the full matching process, see how surrogate matching works.
Sources
- SEEDS, Society for Ethics in Egg Donation and Surrogacy, of which Nancy Block, RN, is a former President.
- ACOG (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists), guidance on postpartum care. https://www.acog.org