What does a typical communication rhythm look like?
Most surrogacy relationships settle into three layers:
- A weekly check-in, by text or a shared app.
- A call, video or message after each medical appointment, so you hear the news soon after she does.
- A longer monthly conversation, by phone or video, about how things are going on both sides.
Each side starts different kinds of updates. The surrogate usually starts updates about how she feels: her energy, the baby's movements, a good or hard week. You usually start questions about logistics: travel for the anatomy scan, the birth plan, the hospital.
That is a typical pattern, not a rule. The right rhythm is the one you and the surrogate agreed at the match meeting. The common failure is not too little contact. It is mismatched expectations about contact.
| Stage | Typical frequency | Channel | Who initiates |
|---|---|---|---|
| Pre-transfer | Weekly, plus updates on medication and monitoring | Text or shared app | Surrogate on how she is doing; parents on travel and clinic logistics |
| First trimester | Weekly, plus after each ultrasound | Text, with a call after key scans | Surrogate shares results; parents follow up |
| Second trimester | Weekly, plus after appointments; monthly longer call | Text and video | Both |
| Third trimester | More often as the due date nears | Text, calls, in-person visits if agreed | Both; case manager coordinates the birth plan |
| Postpartum | Near-daily in the first two weeks, then milestones | Text, photos, calls | Parents share baby updates; surrogate shares recovery |
What should the contract say about communication?
The gestational carrier agreement usually names three things:
- The channel: text, a shared app, calls or email.
- Who shares appointment results: the surrogate directly, or through your case manager.
- Whether intended parents attend appointments, and which ones.
Some agreements also set a minimum frequency. The contract sets the baseline, not the ceiling. Most relationships grow beyond what was written down, and that is fine.
Your attorney and hers draft these terms after the match. The conversation that shapes them happens earlier, at the video match meeting.
Which updates come from the surrogate, and which from the clinic or OB?
From the surrogate: how she feels, how appointments went, the baby's movements, and anything about her daily life she chooses to share.
From the clinic, before release to her OB: medical results such as the pregnancy test and early ultrasounds. Clinics often share these with intended parents directly, because you are the clinic's patients.
From her OB, after release: nothing directly, unless she authorizes it. She is the OB's patient. In practice, she shares results with you, or your case manager does.
Agree who tells whom, and how fast. Hearing important news second-hand, or late, causes more strain than almost anything else. See pregnancy milestones.
Can you attend appointments, and how do you ask?
Usually yes, in person or by video, if agreed in advance with the surrogate.
Ask early, and ask specifically. "Could we join the anatomy scan in person, and the others by video?" is easier to answer than "Can we come to appointments?" Respect her answer. Some surrogates prefer to attend routine visits alone. Check the OB office's policy too: some limit how many people can be in the room or do not allow video during scans.
What if you want more contact than she does, or less?
Name it early, kindly, and through the right channel.
If you want more contact, ask for one specific change, such as a short text after each appointment. Do not ask for daily updates.
If you want less, say so in a way that does not read as rejection: "We love hearing from you. We are slow to reply at work, so please do not worry if we take a day."
If either side feels uncomfortable raising it directly, tell your case manager. See setting boundaries.
How does the case manager help?
At Private Label Surrogacy (PLS), your case manager is Natalie Gaudio-Fricano or Jenni Symons. Both have carried as gestational surrogates.
Your case manager sets the communication plan with you and the surrogate at match. After that, she:
- Checks in with both sides on a set schedule.
- Relays news when one side cannot reach the other.
- Steps in if either side feels over- or under-contacted, and raises it neutrally.
- Checks in without making it an issue if a surrogate goes quiet. A short gap is usually life, not a problem.
How does communication change in the third trimester and after birth?
In the third trimester, contact usually increases. You plan the birth together, settle who will be in the delivery room, and arrange travel. Many parents begin to visit in person.
After birth, contact is often near-daily for the first two weeks while she recovers and any pumping is arranged. Then it settles into updates at milestones, birthdays and holidays, at whatever level you both agreed before delivery. See your relationship after birth.
Sources
- SEEDS, Society for Ethics in Egg Donation and Surrogacy, of which Nancy Block, RN, is a former President.
- ASRM (American Society for Reproductive Medicine), guidance on gestational carriers. https://www.asrm.org