What to say to children by age
Tell your children early, simply, and in terms of helping. One sentence works for most ages: "A family needs help growing a baby, and I am going to carry their baby in my belly until it is ready to go home with them."
Children take their cue from you. If you explain it calmly and early, before your belly shows, most children treat it as a fact about your family rather than a mystery. What changes by age is how much detail they want.
| Age band | What children understand | Suggested language | Common questions |
|---|---|---|---|
| Under 6 | The belly, the baby, and that it is going somewhere | "Some mommies and daddies need help growing their baby. I am helping. The baby will go home with its mom and dad." | Is the baby my brother or sister? Can I touch your belly? |
| 6 to 9 | Whose baby it is, and that families are made in different ways | "The baby's parents could not carry a baby themselves. Their doctor put their baby in my belly to grow. The baby is theirs, not ours." | Whose baby is it? Will it live with us? Will you be sad? |
| 10 to 13 | The basics of how the pregnancy started, and fairness | Explain IVF in plain terms: the parents' embryo, made with a doctor's help, placed in your uterus. | How did the baby get in there? Are you getting paid? |
| Teens | Medical, legal and ethical questions; what friends will say | Be direct. Share what you are comfortable with, including the medical steps and why you chose this. | Is it safe for you? What do I tell my friends? |
Children under six usually accept the one-sentence version and then ask about the belly. School-age children want to know whose baby it is and whether it will live with you. Answer the question asked, and stop. They will come back with the next one.
If your children ask whether you are being paid, a simple answer is fine: "Yes, I am paid for the time and work it takes, the way people are paid for other important jobs."
Books and scripts PLS surrogates use
Picture books help young children, because they let a child return to the story on their own schedule. Reading one together a few times during the pregnancy works better than one big talk.
Picture books PLS surrogates use include The Kangaroo Pouch. The full list of books PLS recommends is being confirmed.
Some scripts that work:
- When your belly starts to show: "Remember the baby I am growing for the family? It is getting bigger."
- At appointments: "I am going to the doctor to check on the baby. Its parents want to know it is healthy."
- When people ask your child: "My mom is carrying a baby for another family."
Your case managers have been surrogates themselves. Jenni Symons delivered as a surrogate in 2019 and 2021, and Natalie Gaudio-Fricano delivered in 2016. Ask them what they said.
What children ask after the birth
The question most parents worry about is: "Where is the baby?" The answer is the one you have been giving all along: "The baby went home with its parents, just like we planned. We helped."
Most children accept this when it was explained from the start. Some feel a little sad, and that is fine. Name it with them: "It is OK to miss the baby. We were part of something important."
Contact after the birth depends on what you agreed with the intended parents. Many families stay in touch, with photos, cards or visits. If your children will meet the intended parents or the baby, tell them ahead of time. Contact is set in your birth plan and your agreement. Read about delivery and the hospital.
When to tell your employer
Tell your employer once the pregnancy is confirmed and stable, around 12 weeks. By then you have been released from the fertility clinic to your own OB, and the early risk of loss has dropped.
Before that, you may need time off for screening, monitoring and the transfer trip. You do not have to explain those absences as surrogacy. "Medical appointments" is accurate.
Plan the conversation the way you would for any pregnancy: when you are due, what time off you expect around delivery, and what accommodations you may need late in pregnancy.
Your leave rights as a surrogate: PDA, FMLA, Illinois
As a surrogate you are a pregnant employee. You are entitled to the same pregnancy protections and leave as any pregnant employee. The statements in this section are under review by counsel.
- The Pregnancy Discrimination Act (PDA) prohibits employers with 15 or more employees from treating you differently because you are pregnant.
- The Pregnant Workers Fairness Act requires covered employers to make reasonable accommodations for pregnancy, such as more breaks or lighter duty.
- The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA), if you are eligible, gives you up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave a year for your own serious health condition, including pregnancy, prenatal care and recovery from childbirth. Eligibility generally requires 12 months and 1,250 hours with an employer of 50 or more employees.
- Illinois law, through the Illinois Human Rights Act, protects pregnant employees and requires reasonable accommodations for pregnancy and recovery.
FMLA leave to bond with a newborn does not usually apply, because the baby is not yours. Leave for your own recovery does.
Do you have to disclose surrogacy at work?
No. You do not have to tell your employer that the pregnancy is a surrogacy. Your pregnancy protections do not depend on it.
Some surrogates tell their managers and find it easier to explain the appointments. Others keep it private. Both are fine. If you do tell, you decide how much detail to share. You do not owe anyone information about the intended parents.
If you are worried about how a disclosure might be received, talk to your case manager first.
Coordinating leave with lost wages in your contract
Leave protects your job. It does not always pay you. FMLA leave is unpaid, and many employers offer little or no paid leave.
That is what lost wages in your surrogacy agreement are for. Lost wages are reimbursed for journey-related absences, calculated from your documented net pay, and paid from escrow. Postpartum recovery is typically covered for six weeks after a vaginal birth and eight weeks after a C-section.
A first-time PLS surrogate carrying one baby receives a typical total package of roughly $68,000 to $78,000, built on $60,000 base compensation (proposed). Lost wages are paid on top of that.
Plan the two together. Before you sign your agreement, check your employer's leave policy and your eligibility for FMLA. Bring that to your attorney, so the lost wages terms cover the gap. If you use paid time off, it is generally not reimbursed again as lost wages. See surrogate lost wages.
Telling extended family and friends
You do not owe anyone an announcement. Decide with your partner who to tell, when, and how much. Many surrogates tell close family early, and everyone else once the belly shows.
Expect a few awkward questions. "How could you give the baby away?" is the most common. A short answer works: "It was never my baby to keep. I am carrying it for its parents."
Your children will hear what relatives say, so ask relatives to use the same language you use at home. Your partner's role in all of this is on your partner and family. The rest of the support available is on surrogate support.
When you are ready, start with the prescreen: see if you qualify.
Sources
- US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), Pregnancy Discrimination Act and Pregnant Workers Fairness Act. Pending review by counsel.
- US Department of Labor, Family and Medical Leave Act. Pending review by counsel.
- Illinois Department of Human Rights, Illinois Human Rights Act pregnancy protections. Pending review by counsel.