What to say, in three sentences
Most conversations go well when you open with three short parts.
- The fact. "We are having a baby with the help of a gestational surrogate. She is carrying our embryo, and she is not genetically related to the baby."
- The reason, in one sentence, and only as much as you choose to share. "After years of trying, this is the safest way for us to have a child." Or simply: "This is how our family is growing."
- What you need from them. "We would love your support. And please do not ask about her compensation, or whether she will want to keep the baby. We are happy to explain how it works."
That is enough. Let them ask questions. Most questions come from unfamiliarity, not judgment.
When to tell people: before match, after transfer, after heartbeat?
There is no right answer, only trade-offs.
- Before match. Telling close family early means support during matching, which at Private Label Surrogacy (PLS) averages about 6 months. It also means fielding "any news?" for months.
- After transfer. The pregnancy test comes 9 to 11 days after transfer. Some parents tell a small circle so they are not alone while they wait.
- After heartbeat. Many parents wait until the heartbeat is confirmed at 6 to 7 weeks, or until the end of the first trimester, before telling a wider circle.
A common approach is to tell one or two people early, for support, and everyone else after the heartbeat scan.
The questions you will be asked and how to answer them
Three come up almost every time: is it her egg, what if she changes her mind, and how much does it cost.
| Common question | Short answer | Longer answer, if they want it |
|---|---|---|
| Is it her egg? | No. The embryo is ours. | It was created through IVF with our egg and sperm, or with a donor's. She has no genetic link to the baby. That is what gestational surrogacy means. |
| What if she changes her mind? | Our agreement settles parentage before birth. | Under Illinois law, a compliant gestational surrogacy agreement makes us the legal parents, and parentage is established before birth. She has no parental rights. Reviewed by counsel. |
| How much does it cost? | A lot, and we planned for it. | Total journeys typically run $150,000 to $200,000, including her compensation, legal fees, insurance and clinic costs. |
| Why is she doing this? | She wants to help another family. | Surrogates are screened carefully and have already had their own children. She is our partner in this, and she is paid fair compensation for her time and care. |
| Will you meet her? | Yes, we already have. | We met by video before matching, and we will stay in touch through the pregnancy. |
| Is it legal? | Yes, in Illinois. | Compensated gestational surrogacy is enforceable in Illinois under the Illinois Gestational Surrogacy Act of 2005. Reviewed by counsel. |
For the basics in more depth, point people to what gestational surrogacy is and how a pre-birth order works.
Telling older children and grandparents
Older children need a simple, true version. For a young child: "Our baby is growing in a kind woman's tummy, because we needed help to carry a baby." For an older child, add more of the facts. Children usually accept it quickly, especially if they can see ultrasound pictures or, if the surrogate agrees, meet her.
Grandparents may need more time. They may have grown up when surrogacy was rare. Give them the facts once, clearly. Offer a written explainer they can read in their own time. Invite them into the parts they can enjoy: the ultrasound photos, the nursery, the baby shower.
PLS provides a one-page explainer parents can share with family. Confirm the explainer exists.
Handling disapproval or religious objections
Some people will disapprove. A few will say so.
- Give them the facts once. Many objections rest on a misunderstanding, often the belief that the surrogate is the genetic mother.
- Invite questions, then set a limit: "We have thought about this carefully, and we have decided."
- Do not debate. You do not need everyone's approval.
- Let time help. Many family members who are uneasy at first come around once there is a baby to hold.
If you want to talk with other parents who have been through it, PLS can point you to peer support.
Telling your employer and colleagues
Tell your employer early enough to plan leave. You may need time off for the transfer, key appointments and the birth, which can come early and may be in another state.
Ask HR about parental leave for parents through surrogacy, and any family-building benefits. Some employers' fertility or adoption benefits cover part of surrogacy costs.
Colleagues need only the short version: "We are having a baby through surrogacy, due in the spring."
What to share about your surrogate, and what to keep private
Her story is hers. Share that she exists and that you trust her. Keep private:
- Her full name, town and photos, unless she agrees.
- Her compensation.
- Her medical details.
- Her family's details.
Agree with her what each side will say publicly, including on social media. When you want to celebrate with her, see inviting your surrogate to the baby shower.
Questions you cannot answer yet? SurrogacyHotline, PLS's free sister site, answers within 24 to 48 hours.
Sources
- ASRM (American Society for Reproductive Medicine), guidance on gestational carriers. https://www.asrm.org
- Illinois Gestational Surrogacy Act (2005). Pending review by counsel.